I waited to write about my experience in motherhood until I had both the time and the space. Here is a little bit about becoming Birdy’s mama.

It has been such a wild, wonderful, challenging, refining, and beautiful thing. As one put it, “it’s all the things isn’t it?!” Haha I felt known!

It is hard to summarize the last three months since Birdy was born: Labor, breast feeding, enjoying this new stage, being in healing mode, being impatient, in pain, challenge physically and emotionally…moving into a new home, family going through challenges etc.

So wonderful and such a challenge. Adjusting to loving and nurturing a small human was incredibly natural - learning how to take care and dealing with sleeplessness, body healing, patience and growth- that was tough.

Trying to summarize the last three months for your life may also feel like an impossible task. And even one you’d rather not delve into. That’s okay. :) While our challenges don’t always need to be our focus, sharing the experiences may help another feel a little less alone and encouraged. #worthit

I am encouraged when someone opens up to me. We all face life- and with it, challenges. Here is some of our story. <3

Labor:

Labor for me was 15 hours at a birth center.

I labored on the bed, beside the bed, in the tub, toilet, even did some stairs to help Birdy descend- WILD labor was wild. I did it naturally without an epidural, but, I can understand why someone would get one 11 hours in I almost did. But pushed thru. I had decided before we started I would do it med free and was able to see that through but my labor started and stayed incredibly intense the whole time.

I am so proud of my body and mind for having a baby and doing it to the best of my ability.! (though I felt like I didn't know what I was doing most of the time! hah)

My husband Natban was incredible the entire 15 hours. He engaged with each moment and every contraction that hit minutes apart. Nate helped apply counter pressure on my hips the entire time. Cheered me on spoke love, helped quell fears, and assisted in all he could. (Experiencing labor together was incredibly bonding! Crazy hard but strengthening for sure.)

Labor was more intense than I had anticipated. I know that less intense labor stories are real so please don't fear it but do know that intense is normal. I also am SO grateful for a healthy baby, and body. Every time I feel the intense memory of that time I am flooded by gratitude for my husband, God’s protection, and for the midwives help!

I remember thinking I will roar this baby out! haha and that I did. I was SO loud- and I was grateful that I hadn’t been home or my neighbor would have been up with us that whole time haha.

The 15 hours both flew by and felt long, but the minute she emerged from me I felt all pain leave and total amazement coupled with disbelief that this tiny human and eternal soul had come out of my womb! Holding her for the first time is such a powerful memory.

She cried right away and I knew this one would be just fine. It was over. Laboring for Birdy to join us here was done. Relief and joy flooded.

My body had just done the craziest thing ever. And then I was holding our child and looking at my husband, thank you God!!…Mind boggling! haha

NICU

We then spent the first 5 days of Birdy’s life with her in the NICU here in San Luis. She had swallowed meconium in labor (it’s the baby’s poop and it can get into their lungs making it difficult to breath and they can get infections). We decided to go into the hospital for breathing support whatever was best for Birdy.

We are so grateful our midwife was able to see her state and know she needed a little bit of help. Our midwife handled this transition with peace and care.

Realizing Birdy needed more than an hour or so of breathing help was really really tough. We hadn’t slept since the day before and then had gone through the intensity of labor all night to then have to hand our baby off.

Though we knew she needed the help nothing in us wanted or felt natural about handing Birdy’s care over to someone else. Humbling, needing their expertise but not wanting to need it. Intense joy, exhaustion, and sadness that she needed treatments hit at different times. (I think this is most sickness things - so grateful for help but so sad we need it).

I don’t share any of this to add fear or worry to others - but to share our story. It was tough and I know many have faced the same and harder things.

I had thought we would be at the hospital a few short hours then head home. But, she needed monitoring, breathing treatment, and to show that she was stable before they wanted to send her home.

The nights that followed we slept at home and I would pump throughout the night with the help of Nathan. We would wake together, Nate would set the pump up ,cheer me on, getting me snacks, water etc. as I pumped. He also drove milk to the hospital late when Birdy needed it.

We could go in and hold her anytime during the day or night but stayed all day long and went home to sleep at night …. This was so emotional for me- us. We didn’t want to leave her ever but had to know she would be okay and that we needed rest for healing and rest to feed her. She improved each day praise God. She was such a strong baby right from the get go- she had coughed and cried when she emerged and I knew she would be fine it was just tough starting out the way we needed to.

We were able to bring her home on day 5 healthy and happy - feeding had gone well too which was such a blessing. I will never forget the feeling of driving home as our new little family. Tears rolled, gratitude to God filled our hearts to at the gift of Birdy.

With this time in the nicu and driving back n forth we did totally have really happy moments. We had a ton of peace too. She is SO cute and we are amazed by love, joy, and protection you feel as a parent over this new life. Sitting with her and nursing her for the first time was incredible. I really had no idea what it would be life to birth and care for a baby. I had some idea but I don’t think it can be explained - just experienced. <3

We are so grateful  for the NICU nurses and docs, our midwife and everyone of you who prayed and checked in during those first few days of Birdys life.

We are amazed that SO many humans have babies and take care of babies and they make it! It's an incredible, the design, conceiving new life, carrying it, birthing them, and then caring for them….words can’t express it.

Transition

In the weeks that followed we had incredible times together the three of us and our dog Phoebe. We also had tears (well I cried haha) the tiredness, newness, and hard start would bubble up. I felt ashamed of the tears but the reality is, it is wild and such a big life change. Labor was hard, and so was going to the nicu, and those first 6 weeks. Learning to nurse, waking often to feed, adjusting your life rhythms. All the while falling in love with this new human as they are wonderfully dependent in the healing time….

It’s crazy! And all that to say our families were incredible supports and so were friends! You know who you are…. THANK YOU for leaning in, serving us, praying, supporting, encouraging and LOVING our child.

Words cannot express the gratitude and joy I feel when someone else interacts with Birdy and shows love for her. We think the world of her and when someone else slows down enough to love and appreciate her life it’s incredible.

When I look at someone else’s child and babies I have a totally different perspective than I had before Birdy.

I feel a deep love and appreciation for how amazing this other life is. And feel the weight of all their parents went though to get them to where they are today. (I dont always live with this perspective haha but I have it now and I’m so grateful).

We lived in our 20 foot trailer for the first 5 weeks of life. Tiny living suits us for the most part, but we are now in a rental home. The access to laundry, instant hot water, and big rooms to accommodate guests has been epic.

It is so much new at first. And I was very impatient at the time it took my body to heal. I had stopped bleeding after 10 days and had been able to get out and about slowly, but then I started bleeding again and needing to lay down most the days with Birdy and she needed to be driven to take naps etc. that was tough.

Breastfeeding was easy at first but with some challenges that arose I found it really useful and encouraging to see a lactation specialist. And I have also seen pelvic floor specialist for healing my body. And check ins with my midwife. Very grateful to have access to these three specialists in the postpartum time! (highly recommend these resources if you can swing it after birth)

Personal Growth

I do want to share the anxious thoughts that arose at first in caring for Birdy.

I had wanted to do all things "right". This was a great desire but the intense worry and pressure I let build up around caring for her was not serving me or our little family.

I even ordered a huge book about babies so I could be in the know, but the reality is - being a parent who loves your baby and walks in faith and peace will be the most powerful thing for them and us as parents vs. doing everything perfectly.

I had to trust God with Birdy and walk parenting out with peace and clarity of mind as I learned things vs. scrambling in anxiety to care for her.

(Grace grace, I know, but I wanted to be vulnerable and share that I have definitely been challenged emotionally in many ways the last three months! <3 shout out to every close person I reached out to in those really challenging days- you were and are such a blessing xoxo)

Birdy is three months old now! My body has recovered a ton with some more healing to do, but I am now more rested than before, and our care for Birdy is much more known than at first.

A learning curve that I went through just recently was laying down my old routine and expectations of my daily schedule.

Life adjusting:

I was trying to live life the way I did before I had Birdy - and this just brought me some frustration in spite of my new love. The reality is my life and daily tasks are totally new now.

I was really trying so hard to get  alone time in- and feeling as if I would never have time to do my usual things again.. but, it's not true.

This is all new and so wonderful with Birdy but not easier haha :) Just new.

Once I started living life as I wanted to in my day while tending to Birdys needs without being bummed if I didn’t slip away for alone time I started experience much more joy in my days.

(I am not saying we shouldn’t get time alone, or maintain actives we love as mamas, I have gotten out for walks, little appointments etc. but usually not away more than an hour since I feed her when she needs it-but, this powerful shift helped me enjoy this season so much more.)

Since I had never done this before each weekly or daily stage Birdy was going thru felt like it may last forever and that felt dramatic and a bit overwhelming at times.

But, when I finally realized for myself that this season of getting to hold her and feed her with my body would quickly pass I stopped being so stressed about it and accepted it as this season of my life. Recognizing all the incredible parts of it too! Sure it is tiring, challenging, and so new but it is also wonderful and the joy and love I have experienced being a mom is unlike anything else.

My understanding of Gods love and consistency in care has grown so much too. When Birdy is crying and I am holding her her sometimes I look and say, “Birdy…why are you crying? I have all that you need right here. Comfort, food, new diapers, warmth, love…look at me and let’s tend to these things.”

How much greater care and support God has for me.! It is so humbling and so good to think about.

I may have said too much or too little on these topics of caring for the new life. And if there’s more you want to hear about don’t hesitate to reach out! I enjoyed sharing and trust this to be useful for you in whatever way it needs to be.

Xoxo

Sarah